Who says relationships should be
by Mary DuParri
Who says we should be happy in relationships? I do. My heart does. My spirit
does. Why else have relationships? To be happy. Not to work hard. Not to
struggle. But to show up and be happy.
What if the
very reason we are not so happy in our relationships is because we donít really
show up? We allow our hesitation, our fear of rejection, or our actual
rejections to keep us from being and saying and doing what instinctively feels
right for us. Or, we allow our sensitivity to the needs of another person to
keep us from meeting our own needs. How happy can that be?
We have a
poster in our office that reminds us to be true to ourselves. It says: ďThere
is only one of you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.Ē Clients often smile
at or seem encouraged by those words. I am regularly energized by them, and I
wonder what would happen in our lives if we were fearlessly ourselves. What
would happen in our relationships? Would we be more assertive? Would we ask
for what we want? Would we say no to what we donít want? Would we be
lighter-hearted, wiser, funnier, or sexier? Would we be more enthusiastic or
more at peace?
Some of us like
the idea of fearlessly being ourselves. We instinctively know there is a
wonderful self inside that others do not often get to see. What if we began to
experiment by bringing that self into the open more often? Checking deep inside
and speaking from whatever place we call our core: spirit, heart, soul, me.
Not in an impulsive way, but spontaneous enough to not hold back and filter
every nuance. Expressing that self and seeing how the other person deals with
it. What would that be like? Sounds like an interesting experiment. It might
seem rather risky, because we donít know how that fearless self might act. But,
this is only an experiment. We could always go back to not-so-fearless if it
does not work out. But, what if it did work out? What if we showed our real
self and discovered that we were not judged for it? Or, better yet, what if we
were so okay internally, that even if we were judged we would not have to
retreat back into hiding? It sounds like it would feel wonderful.
What if we kept
showing up like that in our relationships? What if we did that even if the
other person did not always hold the space so well? What if we showed up anyway
because that is right for our spirit? I think we would begin to feel loved
again. We would delight in being true to ourselves. The other person may or
may not be equal to displaying or holding this love. He or she may not be able
or willing to stay in a space of connection like that with us. But we would
feel love anyway because honoring and acting from our core creates a self-love
that we would never want to give up.
It also creates
a way to be with others. Honestly, transparently, and from a desire for true
connection. It creates clarity about the people in our lives who desire to be
with our fearless selves, and it creates a space for them to fearlessly be
themselves. If we keep up this way of being, the people we attract into our
lives will be drawn to our real selves. If they like us, they like the real
us. If, in fact, we begin to love each other, we may have the capacity for a
real relationship. You know, one where we might be happy.
10 Easy Steps For A Healthy
Mary DuParri MA LPC
P.S. Authentic Living is a free newsletter
about fine tuning life and relationships written by Mary DuParri MA a Licensed
Professional and Nationally Certified Counselor.